Unicorn Hunter Men

Queer women are sometimes made dating prey by a type of mixed sex couple called “unicorn hunters”. Hunters are usually one heterosexual man and one either heterosexual or bi (or tragically closeted and gay) woman. They seek a unicorn: a single attractive bi woman who will fulfill their sexual and romantic desires, equally, without threatening their existing and more important relationship. They want a human sex toy to spice up their dull marriage. (Sometimes they’re just dating but these are marriage people.) 

It is most often the men who create dating profiles to snare a unicorn, and who send messages to bi women, and lesbians and straight women too. So to those men I have a few questions. I wonder if you know what “lesbian” means and if you care. I wonder exactly you think would be “exciting” or “adventurous” for me about being a third in your early twenties starter marriage. Perhaps the thrill of moving past Crate and Barrel vases on IKEA tables before being rushed into the Target decorated boudoir. 

Like your parent cosigned condos, your dating profiles all look alike. Why is that? How did you all come to describe your inexpert slobber technique as “giving” and “very oral”? Why do you inherently look like a terrible lay? From your off-duty Bennigan’s shift leader short-sleeved button-up top to your early 2000’s youth group leader goatee, you were all stamped from the same creepy mold. 

And whose idea was it for your future ex-wife to have sex with another woman, hers or yours? Because if it was yours, honey that poor woman is turning her heterosexual self into fake bi knots to please you. Don’t exploit that just cause you can. She’ll come to hate you for it, possibly right away. And if she was the one who felt something was missing, what makes you think you think you can now satisfy two women? 

Not to change the subject, but where exactly did you get the idea that liking girl-girl porn makes you a “progressive”? And why do you say looks don’t matter as much as personality, but stress the desired “fitness” of your unicorn, while listing no athletic hobbies? And what made you think a ten page job application was reasonable for someone looking for the elusive?

There are many things I will never fully comprehend. The specifics of particular physics, the minutiae of lice reproductive habits, the intricacies of Northern European dance styles. But truly no specimen on this planet nor any other shall ever confound me in its contradictory, self destructive, relentlessness as that creature the male heterosexual homo sapiens. It is a wonder and a marvel to consider I count some of them among my absent relations and ancestors. 

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