Me and the LGBT “Community”

I know proper English grammar would have the title in reverse order but thinking of how irate this would make my grandma is amusing me too much. 

I am chicken shit scared to date. I am heart pounding, sweaty palms, about to drop on a roller coaster petrified, and I hate roller coasters. One of the (many!) reasons I’m so afraid is that I don’t have a lot of positive history with the “community”. I came out as bi 20 years ago, which Tampa lesbians mostly treated as a heterosexual interloper. 

At best I was grudgingly accepted as an ” ally” to the gay cause, certainly not at all (or as it turns out fully) gay myself. They would tell me how fake bi girls were, how slutty, how they were heartbreakers and hos who were only in it to turn guys on. They said exactly the same crude, cruel things straight guys did.  

When they “accepted” me at all, it was as a gay man’s accessory, his “fag hag”. Never have I ever hated a moniker more than that one. A homophobic slur and a misogynistic insult combined to erase my sexual identity: it was custom made to hurt.  They were wholly unwilling to date me. 

I don’t identify as bi now, so I won’t have that baggage. But I will have the late coming out, the marriage to a man, and the fact that all that bi antagonism has left me a lesbian virgin at the age of 34. No matter how many women swipe right on my profile, I feel like a fraud they’re about to cruelly and painfully reject, and then tell all their friends about. It is new girl, virgin, and mean girls anxiety rolled into one. And I am chicken shit scared. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s