Nice Guys and Not All Men 2/2

​But I never see “not all men” paired with concern for women and non binary safety. It’s always instead. Like, you could keep yourself safe by avoiding men, but you should give Nice Guys a chance instead. You could block men (and thus 99% of sexually aggressive messages) on dating apps but instead I want you to wade through all of it to find the Decent Man hidden in the quagmire. 

I made the error of dating one of these Not All Men guys. He liked to opine on how Kobe Bryant was framed. When a buddy of his was accused of rape, my “one of the good ones” boyfriend helped him cast doubt on the victim’s testimony so his buddy escaped justice. Online my “nice guy” said to believe victims, but he made great efforts to ensure one woman wouldn’t be believed in a court of law. 

The “good men” who want you to give guys chances to harm you are sometimes abusers and rapists themselves. Sometimes they’re just best buds with men who would endanger you, and when you try to tell him his friend groped you, he laughs it off cause “that’s just how” his buddy is. “Nice guys” are often far nicer to our abusers than they are to us. 

You don’t have to please these men. You don’t have to take their selfish advice and wait for a man to prove he’s as awful as you suspected. You don’t have to give men chances out of “fairness” to “nice” guys. You are not a public facility and your body is not a public accommodation: you have the right to restrict access. You are allowed to do what makes you feel safe. 

Because if it turns out the men you dated at their behest mistreat you, those “nice guys” who empathize with abusive men sooner than with women won’t be there for you.  They won’t recognize their part in your victimization and may even blame you for following their ignorant advice. They will always identify more with men who mistreat us than with us. They cannot be trusted to look out for your best interest. They’re too busy maintaining men’s unearned reputation for valor and virtue. 
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One thought on “Nice Guys and Not All Men 2/2

  1. I’ve heard a lot of discussion on the “Not all men” thing. There have been times when I’ve at least felt an urge to defend men, but actually I find myself, rather than being judged along with most men, compared to other men and found inferior. When someone like Angie comes along and openly doesn’t have much faith in men and doesn’t trust “nice guys”, it feels better than told or having it implied that I’m not as good as most men i.e not strong enough, not handsome enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, not big enough where it counts etc. etc.

    I have to admit though, I’m tired of the “nice guy, not like other men” thing too. I do think we guys have a bit of an urge to prove to women that we’re “nicer” than other guys, have more respect for women’s needs, we believe in equality etc. etc. I think it’s a competition among guys to try and be the most “feminist” in order to supposedly impress women. I do think I sympathize with women a lot, but yeah I sometimes have an urge to show off to women how feminist I can be. I used to want to say to women “hey I’m a feminist”, but it doesn’t feel right saying that anymore. My hope is that I can admit to women that I’m like other guys in some ways and, whether I’m trying to be or not, I am different to other guys in some ways too and find acceptance.


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