This is a dangerous mental state, but only interpersonally. I’m not in the right frame of mind to join causes or protests, to get involved in any group. I can call my representatives and sign a few petitions but I can’t dive headfirst into organized activism. I know this mentality, this emotional need to belong, is a vulnerability. I am not capable of both engaging and taking care of myself right now.
I’m taking steps to get back into therapy and back on medication, behaving as if Medicaid will continue to exist. I feel tremendous guilt for being “useless” to good causes right now, but that can’t be my focus or I literally will join a cult. It’s what makes sense to me.
There is such clarity under the spell of a charismatic leader. They provide all the answers. They offer an explanation for the world and for your struggles. And all they ask in return is your blood, sweat, tears, and soul. I can rationally tell that’s a bad idea even as my emotions ask who they can make the check for my soul out to.I want answers badly.
I wasn’t taught to create my own lens to see the world through. I wasn’t taught to apply my own interpretation of scripture.I was taught to write, to speak, to give an interview. I was taught to parrot my leader. I was taught to follow, and to follow well.
I am a follower, teaching myself how to not crave a leader. These are difficult days for me. It’s not just the politics in play, the hatred playing host that frightens me. I scare me too.