I am afraid. I don’t know what’s coming but I can count on it being bad for humanity. I’m afraid of being homeless again, of being in more pain, of feeling more vulnerable. I’m afraid of literally starving to death or having a medical emergency no one will treat. I’m afraid of hate crimes.
I’m also afraid that I will be a coward, an appeaser. That I’ll keep my head down and not make waves and be the good compliant cult member I was raised to be. I’m afraid my morals will abandon me the moment they are most crucial.I’m afraid I am no hero.
This is a pivotal moment where we get to decide if we’ll be selfless and brave or safe. I always imagined I’d be heroic and save people. I always imagined myself as a Gentile ally, not a disabled queer target. Now that I’m afraid for myself, I don’t feel brave at all. I feel paralyzed.
In times of fear, I revert to who I used to be: obedient above all. If there was a liberal leader to follow right now, I would want to. I would gladly follow the commands of someone I thought knew better than me. I don’t want to be an independent adult responsible for myself and another right now.
I’m pulling back from the internet, limiting myself to an hour or two of social media each day, until I can get my rebel spirit back. I want to be brave, and selfless, and heroic. I want to fight fascism and Nazi fucks. I want to protest injustice and disrupt evil as it goes about its banal business. I want to be a better human than I feel I am.
These days are like a metal refiner’s forge, so horrifically hot I know I will melt. Yet fire is how impurities are burned away so that only the purest, strongest metal remains. Nothing about this will be pleasant or painless, but it will give us daily opportunities to purify ourselves, to try harder,be better, sacrifice all for the greater good.
Make no mistake. The Nazi Party has come to America.