I Am Afraid 

A cold snap hit yesterday along with a few inches of snow. It has turned my emotional state from “delicate” to “destroyed”. 

It’s the middle of the month, so I’m panicked about bills. This panic also extends through late month and until I pay my rent late. On a good month I get maybe ten days when I’m not actively experiencing physical symptoms exacerbated by financial stress. This was a good one but those days are all used up. 

The changing weather, and the horrid bad thing that’s happening to this country which I feel powerless to stop, have wrecked me. Every part of me that can hurt does. Migraines all week? Check. Nausea, indigestion, heartburn, and emesis? Check. Every conceivable bowel and elimination complaint? Check. Spine and joint pain? Check, check. 

It’s hard to write, but I am sticking with it. I know from experience the only way out is through, and that inspiration won’t appear out of nowhere if I don’t maintain the habit and keep writing time preserved in my schedule. So here I am, writing something I am wholly convinced is trash. 

Much of the problem is how I fragile I feel. I am too nervous and afraid to approach subjects I used to tackle: abortion, queer rights, and all things political. I am too busy trying not to worry I will be a target to discuss what a great target I would make. 

History is my usual solace, but not when it feels we are living in interesting times. I usually enjoy drawing connections between the past and the present but the moments in history we are most resembling are some of the worst moments of all.

I am afraid. I have fear. It’s taken me a week to give it that label, because fear was the one feeling I could never admit to. “Fear not” was not taken as a comfort from God in my cult, but as a commandment. We children learned to say we’d been “startled” when we had fear, because fear was sin. 

But I am afraid, so afraid it’s making me physically and psychologically ill. I don’t feel safe. Usually that feeling is wrapped up in financial insecurity, usually the fear is of a return to homelessness. This time the fear is more nebulous:will my woman side, single parent side, disabled side, or queer side be most victimized? 

I’m not just afraid of the next for years, but the next forty as the Supreme Court is tipped completely out of balance. I’m scared about everything, with no hope. This isn’t just depression. This is disabling fear. 

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