A Note To My Doctors

I’m going to try the process of find a GP and actually dealing with my health issues again, and I’m dreading every moment of it. 

There are a few things about me as a patient you should know.

I was raised in a faith healing cult. I did not go to doctors. Doctors were the boogeymen I was actively taught to fear. It worked. I am afraid of you, afraid of the power you have to misdiagnose me and prescribe something that could harm me.

I will always try to wait things out. Some things get better on their own, or with time, or as life improves in other ways. By the time you see me, I will have been dealing with this particular complaint for months if not years.

I don’t cry when I’m in pain. Part of being a faith healer is believing that illness is sin. It is very hard for me to admit when I’m having symptoms, and I have been trained not to show signs of pain. I can be at a seven or an eight before you’ll have the first inkling that I hurt.

I don’t know what’s normal. I don’t know how often to see you, or what I should weigh, or how much I should eat, or how anyone else in the world manages to take care of themselves. It’s all a big mystery to me.

No one has helped. I’ve gotten numerous diagnoses over the years for a wide range of physical, emotional, and mental conditions but no long term treatment plan has ever been made. If one was, I would follow it. But I don’t know how to get you guys to care.

I have hurt every single day since I was 14 years old. No one is helping me to manage my pain. No one has ever helped me to manage my pain. I don’t believe that I deserve a pain free life and neither does Medicaid or the doctors who deign to accept it as a form of insurance.

I am exhausted, all the time. Sitting upright hurts and wears me out. I know this is not normal. I don’t know what to do about it, and I am so so tired I don’t want to put in the effort to figure it out.

I am nearly 34 years old and I have never had a general practitioner or family doctor. I don’t know what I’m doing. I need your patience and help.

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