I’m telling myself I have to write today, have to publish one post before I can unplug from the newly stressful internet and hide from this new truth. I can’t fix the world by knowing every detail of how bad it is. I can only damage my health.
I feel vulnerable and my body handles that badly. I’d like to be the kind of dignified person who doesn’t shit their feelings. I just don’t have it in me. It’s tempting to wait until I feel better to write, but that might be a few years.
The uncertainty of what lies ahead, coupled with suspicion that it can’t be good, are making me sick, dehydrated, and in pain. It feels undignified and burdensome to be disabled today, to be vulnerable, and needy, and weak. To be detestable and to rely on others. To not have a fortress made of health and money.
Loss of dignity and feeling like a burden are two feelings common to disabled people who are suicidal, because they feel awful. In the new normal, we will struggle to believe in the value of our lives, a value no one else can see. Disabled suicide, assisted or not, will rise. My family will lose members.
This definitely feels like an unwise time to date other women, and I’ve never feared my fellow white man more. I’m grateful to only have a semitic nose shape, not coiled hair or Jewish name. I’m worried for my Buddhist and Hindu immigrant neighbors in their beautiful garments and for the very Earth.
I don’t wanna die. I wish I was already dead. It’s one of those distinctions that’s hard to explain. The reason I fear the coming days is that I don’t wanna die. I don’t want black people, Latina/os, Muslims, immigrants, disabled, women, and queers to die. We will. That fear is so distressing and so inescapable, I wish I wasn’t here to feel all this.
(Please do not call emergency services! This post is me being honest about my emotional state. It is not a cry for help. There is a walk in crisis center in town if I feel I need it. My responsibilities to my child would not allow me to do harm to myself. Cops terrify me and have no mental health training.)