Donald VIII

This post was written in collaboration with Dani Alexis Ryskamp.

Watching and listening to The Donald during the first presidential debate this week, one couldn’t help but think of Henry VIII, King of England. The two men have shared points of personal history. Their fathers had advanced the family position, from immigrants to real estate moguls and from nobles to the royal family; their older brothers were heirs apparent but died before they could assume control; they both displayed great anxiety over their perceived masculinity and virility; and they both had a succession of wives. Donald is 24 years older than his youngest and current wife, Melania. Henry was a full 30 years older than his youngest and fifth wife, Catherine Howard.

codpiece
“Look at my cod piece!” – Henry, probably

 

To illustrate the similarities in outlook, demeanor, and fragile sense of virility we’ve created a set of paired quotes from each wealthy man. We wanted to do a”Who Said It?” quiz but Henry’s 16th century language gives him away. Following that please enjoy a brief speech in the style of Donald Trump, with the political issues of Henry VIII.

Men Who Think Alike 

They both expressed strong negative opinions on alcohol.

“Hops are a wicked and pernicious weed.” – Henry
“I’ve never taken drugs of any kind, never had a drop of alcohol.” – Donald

Neither man was afraid to insult a woman’s appearance.

“You have sent me a Flanders mare.” – Henry
“I do understand beauty, and she’s not.” – Donald

Each pursued reticent younger women despite being in relationships already.

“I beseech you now with all my heart definitely to let me know your whole mind as to the love between us.” – Henry
“She was a very successful model. She was terrific. I tried to get her number, and she wouldn’t give it to me.” – Donald

Both noted the fleeting nature of time.

“Of all losses, time is the most irrecuperable for it can never be redeemed.” – Henry
“No matter how brilliant you are, there’s not enough time in the day.” – Donald

Now onto our mashup of the two. We present to you Donald Trump channeling Henry VIII, which sounds a lot like Donald Trump every day (leading one of us to conclude Donald Trump is *always* channeling Henry.)

Henry the Donald 

First I wanna address something my opponent King Francois I implied about me. My cod piece is not small. Look at my cod piece. My cod piece is long and beautiful, along with other parts of my body. My enemies – and there are a lot of them. I have the most enemies because I’m the greatest military king since Henry V. Maybe better. My armies are yuge. My enemies say I’m not good to my wives. They say it’s not fair I can divorce or behead them whenever I want to.

But what man doesn’t tremble when considering what to do with his wife? All of the women at court flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected. Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers. The person who came up with the expression ‘the weaker sex’ was either very naive or had to be kidding. I have seen women manipulate men with just a twitch of their eye … or perhaps another body part.

(Anne Boleyn calls out from the court: I had a feeling by the end of this marriage that I’d be blamed for everything. Henry shouts back: Why not?)

And Calais? I have property there! Great, great assets. And I look around this country and these assets and I think, why are we keeping our alliances? They’re doing things. In France. In the Holy Roman Empire. And it’s terrible. Things may look good now but we’re in a big, fat, ugly bubble. We should build a wall around Calais and we should make France pay for it.

Global warming is a conspiracy by the papists to keep England noncompetitive. Other kings pay Rome. I don’t. That makes me smart. My advisers, and I have the greatest advisers, they’re great. And they don’t think this is a problem. Oliver Cromwell is the greatest adviser, possibly ever in the history of advisers. And many generals agree with me.

 

Thank you and good night. God bless.

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