Hurts To Think 2/2

​It hurts to think with all these emotions pent up.  It’s hard to breathe with all this anxiety. I’m so used to pain, sometimes I forget how precarious the balance is for me, how easy it is to go beyond the 100% I push myself, until I’m injured and forced to take a time out. And the first thing to go is my cognitive skills, the ones I pretend are immune and can still earn me a living no matter how wrecked my body is. 

This isn’t the greatest physical pain I’ve endured. Since I’m actually resting the injury for once in my life, it’s not even in the top yen. Giving birth, breaking my ankle, dislocating my hip, tearing my rotator cuff, and a broken tooth have all hurt more. But the inability to physically work through my emotional pain is brutal. I’d forgotten I could be this depressed while not living with an abuser. 

Every day I fight a battle with myself over how hard to push. And it’s always about money. If I can’t write three posts in the allotted time, I’m tempted to keep trying. I’m tempted to steal energy and health from the next day, to earn a paltry sum more today. Because this life I like is insecure: I could lose it all in a month. When I’m sick, when I’m tired, when it hurts too much to think, I still wring my brain until three blog posts dribble out. 

I’d like to write less, and write better. I want to write when my mind is clear, when inspiration flows, when I can take a walk to organize my thoughts. I’d like to write with coffee, when I feel up to it. I love writing, but sometimes I resent the necessity of charging readers to see my words. I don’t want to write for money; I want to write bgevcause when I do, sometimes I feel better. I want to go back to writing as pleasure and passion, not as the thing I force myself to do, asnd increasingly dislike doing. 

Unfortunately, this is the only job I camn do, and I can’t do it as abundantly as I have been. If I was free to prioritize my health over earning potential, I would still write. But what I created would be better, built over days, as heavily researched and cited as I want but usually don’t have time for. I could write my memoir or a novel instead of forcing out new short content daily. I coulkd be the writer I want to be.  

But to get there, I need you. I need patrons and readers willing to support my writing. I currently try to produce fifteen knew posts per week, and the earnings from those are still woefully shy of my rent bill. I’m abusing my body and health to still be unable to pay my bills.  I needf to earn more from less writing, and I promise that writing will be worth it. If I can focus on content, on making it the best it can be, I can write what I want to, the way I want to. And when I’m laid up in bed with an injury and depression, I’d like to be able to afford a day off.  

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