Guest Post: To My Abuser’s New Girlfriend

This guest post was written by Cate Nelson and is published with her express permission. Content warning for discussion of abuse

Things have moved quickly, haven’t they? He’s told you he loves you. That he’s “never felt this way.” That he has a hard time trusting women. That he thinks most of his exes have cheated on him. That all of his exes are “crazy.” That the mother of his son is a “bitch.” That I make it difficult for him to see his son.

The judge is unfair. The Division of Child Support Enforcement is out to get him. His jobs have failed, but those were because it was “their fault.” His relationships with friends don’t last, but because they’re all “assholes.”

But then he gets angry at you. You’re not sure why. He says he just cares. Or that it is about “trust” and “respect.” But you don’t feel heard.
He’s just. so. mad.

He says it’s your fault. He says that if you would listen, he wouldn’t be mad.

The first time, there’s yelling.
He’s sorry.
The second time, he blocks your path when you try to leave the room, or the house.
He’s sorry.
The third time, he “accidentally” shoves you.
He didn’t mean it.

Then he’s regularly pinning you.
He pushing you into the wall.
There’s hitting, but nowhere that the marks will show.

There’s always remorse.
There’s always a promise.

You wonder about what he’s said about his exes. Is it true? Are they “crazy bitches”? Because he’s calling you that now, too. Regularly. Any time you disagree with him. He’s calling you that…and worse.

You’re not alone. All of those in his wake are victims.

I want you to have strength. I want you to have safety. I want you to have peace.

I want you to know you have solidarity, from afar.

This is a club we didn’t want to be in. You’re not alone. You are loved, even if you don’t know it yet.

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