Content warning this post discusses prior suicidal ideation
Two months ago, I wanted to kill myself. The hormonal depression of my menstrual cycle perfectly aligns with a late rent check, and I am unable to accurately predict likely outcomes in the best of such times; all problems are disasters. At that point I was dealing with a stressful move that looked like it might fall through so everything was much, much worse.
I counted out my pills to see if I’d have enough.
Last month I was able to pay my rent on the 1st, and the security of that carried me through with a little help from chocolate ice cream. I was okay. I took a day off from writing and the gym to watch a season of Downtown Abbey and I was okay.
This month I’m short on bills, desperately and massively so. Though I wrote over fifty paid writing posts last month, the compensation was too little to meet my needs.
I’m switching this blog to a mix of public and members only posts, in the hopes that will encourage more of my readers to contribute a minimum patronage. Five or ten dollars a month I can rely on is worth a lot to my mental health.
I’ve tried keeping everything free to those who can’t pay, but I think the cost to myself has been too high. Writing is work. I spend several hours on it five days a week, trying to produce three posts each work day. This ids my job. I need to get paid.
Begging for scraps at the start of each month to pay my bills with late fees has caused me psychological harm. Doing so while giving away my work for free seems like folly.
I am hoping I don’t have to lock down the blog entirely to subscribers, but I will do what I need to.
You can become a patron to support my writing, my job that you benefit from, and access members only posts through Patreon.com/AngieJackson