The Heterosexual Lifestyle

CN the following is a role-reversal satire

No Straights Allowed

I’m not like heterophobic or anything, I just think it’s a disgusting and shameful lifestyle I don’t want to explain to my child. So please, straights, find your closet and get in. Stop flaunting your sin!

Wait until you get home to show affection. Kissing and hand holding is reserved for natural and moral relations between men or women, not both.

Use neutral and ambiguous terms like “partner” for your spouse. I don’t need to think about your sex life, and if you tell me about your “husband” or “wife”, I’ll have to!

Your sex life is dirty, but while telling you that I’m gonna make an entire category of “straight” porn for gays and lesbians. The way you tangle your bits together! It’s shameful and titillating.

Stop dressing so straight. No one wants to guess your sexual perversions and every time you wear khaki, you shove your heterosexuality down our throats. And for goodness sake get a proper undercut already.

Quit whining for representation. One straight character every twenty movies should be enough for you. So what if 86% of them die before the end? We got to see a moment of hot, depraved girl on boy action right before the brutal death!

Always remember you’re an abomination. And when we’re done bullying you, you can go to hell. JESUS LOVES ME BUT NOT YOU.

This doesn’t make me a straight-basher! I totally love my straight hair dresser even though he’s a hell bound unnatural immoral abomination! He does such great layers.

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